Friday, 22 January 2010

• Better than nothing (maybe).

  (Skip all this boring stuff if you wanna see some pictures!)

  So the past month since I've updated has been unfairly hectic for an 18 year old guy. Or anybody for that matter, I guess. I've logged into Xanga several times a week, hoping to get the chance to write something, and every time I try, someone says my name and I need to go help with something. I guess that's the beauty of having nine siblings and living in the mountains with a lot of pets.

  I used to deal with depression when I was fourteen-sixteen. Kinda weird how everything worked out. First it started when my parents would argue and I always wondered if it was something I did, because Dad might get disappointed in me for doing something wrong, then he and Mom might argue later, and it's always upsetting to see your parents argue anyway, especially at that age when you don't understand it. So my way of dealing with it was to write about how I felt in a notebook, and then, as weird as it sounds, I stepped up to writing poetry (some of it rather dark), and that helped a little more, then my mom approved my idea of getting a Xanga (not long after turning sixteen I think), and I wrote it all out here. I'd get up early every morning and just write whatever, and I was pleased with the results most of the time. I wouldn't say I'm a great writer, but writing to get my emotions out made me better than I started off.

  Then life got busy, I couldn't use the computer as often, and Xanga drama got tiring after experiencing it over and over. I was never involved in any of it, seeing as how I didn't care. I mean, I see some important arguments here, but no matter how bad it gets, you can just turn off the computer. And Xanga started turning into a place where people just argued and started fights for attention, but that sort of fame never lasts, trust me I've tried. Plus people don't like you if you get known that way, and nobody has much respect for you, except maybe the people who also enjoy starting fights.

  Gradually, I think I pulled away from Xanga. It stopped being an outlet because everyone just cared about being entertained. I can entertain, sure, but that feels so impersonal sometimes. I enjoy it, yes. It gets stressful, yes. It's rewarding, sometimes.

  So anyhow, since I haven't been using Xanga for an outlet, I now have two other things that help with stress.

  1) Most of you know that I have a girlfriend, whom I've been with for over thirteen months. Since I've been getting better at writing, but haven't been writing, I had to get it out somewhere, so love letters and poems were written (pretend you didn't read that if you still like to imagine me as a fighter and not a lover). Someone on Xanga (I think his username was aznroadrunner or something like that, but I can't find his Xanga anymore so he must've changed his username) told me that I wouldn't update as often when I got a girlfriend because I'd be too infatuated, like he was. I was like, "psh, yeah right. You really think so?" "Yes." He was right. I haven't updated half as much since I started going out with my girlfriend. In fact, next Wednesday (the 27th), I've known her for four years.

  2) I've been lifting weights since August '09. I don't know if you can tell much difference, but I can feel a difference. It's a great rush and it's fun and enjoyable if you do it for the right reasons. I tried to stick with it just to get bigger and gave up after a week. Then it became my outlet for stress when I couldn't use a computer to write something, or when I couldn't see/call/text/ my girlfriend. I had to have something to burn off the stress and extra energy, so without boring you anymore, I give you the results of four months (I skipped almost all of November and about two weeks in December, I messed up my wrist and got sick so I couldn't work out. I've done every workout at home, and until today, I haven't used protein powder or anything else). 

  October 2009:

  

  January 2010:

  

  August 2009 (about a week after I started, and I don't know why I was flexing while holding a washcloth):

          

  January 2010:

  

  So as you can see, I'm not exactly huge, but another six months, and another six months, and another six months, gradually I should see some huge changes. I'm trying to take a picture every three-six months. To give you a general idea of how much progress I've made... 

  I was 157lbs when I started, I dropped to 142, and now I'm 150.

  I was benchpressing 20lb dumbbells for maybe two reps max, and now I'm doing 53lbs for 8+ reps.

  I was doing flys with 8lbs and now I'm doing 31lbs.

  Curling 15 and now 65.

  I don't want to be big enough that I look disgusting, but enough that I feel confident, because I never have.

  I'm not showing off, I'm just saying, anyone can get in shape if they want it bad enough.

  Also, yes I know I need to write something substantial like I used to every week. I miss writing here but lately time hasn't been something I have a lot of. Between cooking/washing dishes because my mom broke her leg (she won't be on her feet for three months, so things will stay busy for me until then) and helping Dad put the addition on the house, and taking care of our dogs, horses, chickens, and cutting wood, I've been getting up at 8 and going to bed at 12 and a lot of the time I have to skip my workouts because everything else gets tiring.

  Anyway, yeah. I'll be back consistently when I can. I really do miss everyone. I'm going to try returning comments more often too. I know this post all sounds selfish and boring, but I'm not sure how to word everything differently (maybe I should have used a lot of exclamation marks! That would've helped a lot!)

  How've you guys been? FILL ME IN YO.

  PS: Go check out this Xangan. She's like my XangaBFF. Do it.

   

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